Thursday, August 30, 2012

Grout Girl


A short piece of fiction by yours truly:





Grout Girl
“We sometimes encounter people even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.” Fydor Dostoevsky
***
Grout: A thin, course mortar poured into various narrow cavities, as masonry joints or rock fissures, to fill them and consolidate the adjoining objects into a solid mass.


***
Annabelle’s is a funky bar with class. I love the place because it oozes an atmosphere of anticipation. When you sit at the bar or in a booth at Annabelle’s you can’t help but have the feeling that something is going to happen. Whether it is the deep red of the walls, faded in places to a musty pink, or the lighting, always dim, or the smell, a combination of garlic , ground beef and beer, or the music which defines categorization, something unexpected was about to happen.  It was there that I first saw Fiona, my Grout Girl.

Although grout comes in many colors, Fiona was pale. I'm not talking about race.  No, when I say she was pale, I say so because everything about her blended into everything else. Pale and tall and and proud and pencil thin. She reminded me of a heron because she was so still and she had this long neck.  I have never known anyone who could fade into an environment, become almost invisible, while simultaneously controlling the room through her sagacious presence. Fiona possessed a silent charisma, a charisma that walloped you when you least expected it, and  when she  turned on that invisible switch, there was no escaping her magic.

“I like it, I love it, I want some more of it. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.” The band droned on, repeating the stanza endlessly as I sat at the bar nursing a beer. Annabelle’s is a great place to people watch which is why I generally go there alone. I’m a compulsive author, always looking for characters to put in my stories. Characters abound at Annabelle’s.

“Ah oh, here comes trouble,” said the bar tender. Two cops walked through the door obviously looking for someone. They looked like Mutt and Jeff, it was comical.  One was big. He didn’t walk, he swaggered. He had a mean face and a ruddy complexion and he always kept his hand on his hip, he looked as if he was fondling his firearm, or at the very least checking to make sure that it was still there. The other cop was much smaller, one of those guys whose eyes project a macroscopic view of the world, he had seen it all and nothing, absolutely nothing surprised him any more.

They scanned the room then walked over to a booth next to the bar. I realized later that Fiona was in full heron mode which is why I had not noticed her among the foursome. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

“Are you Fiona Lombardi?” (Fiona Lombardi.  What a great name, it kind of rolls off the tongue.)

“I am.”

“You need to come with us.”

“All right.” Both cops looked relieved. No fight, no fuss, no hassle. Fiona was sitting next to the wall so there was a great deal of standing and shifting of positions among her companions so that Fiona could slide across the seat and stand up. 

I remember reading somewhere that Marilyn Monroe had an amazing talent. She could turn her Marilyn Monroe persona on and off at will. If she did not want to be seen, she turned Marilyn off and walked down Fifth Avenue unnoticed. If she wanted attention, she turned Marilyn on. I will never know what Fiona did as she left Annabelle’s with Mutt and Jeff, but something altered. Like Marilyn, she wanted to be noticed so between the booth and the door she became the center of attention. It was at that moment that I set my sights on Fiona. I didn’t know it, but I was to be in for a bumpy ride.

“What was that all about?” The bar tender and I watched together as the people in the booth reassembled without Fiona.

“That’s Fiona.”

“One of the locals? I never noticed her before.”

“No, I think she is from California, she’s not local.”

“Yeah, she has that ‘California Babe’ look about her.” A most unpleasant trait of mine, I tend to stereotype people way too quickly, and the truth is Fiona did not have that beach baby beach baby down on the sand look.  She defied stereotyping.

“She has been coming in a lot lately. Doesn’t seem to be wanting for money, she picks up the tab more often than not.”

“Why do you suppose the cops are interested in her?”

“Rumor has it she has a fondness for fires.”

“A fondness for fires? She’s an arsonist?”

“You didn’t hear it from me.”

Now I was curious, what a great plot for a story.  I had the title already in my head: “A Fondness for Fires.”

“She sure doesn’t look like an arsonist.”

“What does an arsonist look like?” The bar tender multi-tasked as we talked, cocktail shakers, crushed ice and frosted margaritas came and went as we spoke.

“I dunno. Sneaky. Shifty. She looks more like an art student at the local college of fine arts. She doesn’t belong behind bars.”

“You never know,” said the bar tender, wiping his hands on his dirty white apron. “She settles comfortably in bars, she has been here almost every day this week.”

Fiona haunted me, I was unable to get her off my mind and  set out to find out everything I could about her. It wasn’t hard. Her life was an open book, but a book that conveniently left out some rather important elements - like any family history or where she got the money she spent so lavishly on furnishing her condo and eating out almost every day. Within a few weeks I found myself firmly ensconced in that condo with the  butter-soft  brown leather sofa, the espresso machine, the giant flat-screen television mounted on the wall and her shoes. OMG, Fiona loved shoes. In retrospect, I should have realized that she was far more in love with her shoes than she was with me but beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  Fiona was the beauty, I the beholder, a beholder blinded by the light.
Although she seemed to have a large circle of friends, I was never privy to them. Our romance wasn’t a romance, it was some kind of a bizarre tango,  a tango in which she led, I followed, and it was all sub rosa - with one big chink in the armor. I couldn’t shake the bar tender’s words, “she has a fondness for fires.”

By then it was too late, she had become the grout that held all the disjointed aspects of my life together. Nice things began to happen to me. My writing began to jell into a coherent novel, my brother and I patched up our long-standing feud, I  got a raise, I sold a poem, I finally sold my cabin in spite of the lousy real estate market. I was in love, desperately, stupidly in love.

One day I asked her what happened the day she was led out of Annabelle’s by the two policemen. Fiona had been coming and going, quietly leaving the condo without a goodbye and returning unnoticed by me as I lay buried in my growing novel. My initial take on her held true, she was indeed a heron in human form. Sometimes she scared the shit out of me standing so quietly behind me as I typed into my computer.
“The police kept me for hours doing their “good cop, bad cop” routine.”

“Why?”

“They thought I was responsible for setting a fire.”

“Whatever gave them that idea?”

“Someone tipped them off.”

“But who would say such a thing, who would lie like that?”

“It wasn’t a lie.”

I was dumbfounded. I looked at her in amazement, it was as if scales had been removed from my eyes. As I looked, I began to smell smoke coming from the small room I had converted into an office, and as my computer burned, I realized I had not backed up my novel.  Only a week later my brother committed suicide, I lost my job and the sale of my cabin fell through.  In some horrible way, Fiona was indeed the mortar that held all the unrelated areas of my life together, and when, like a good heron, she quietly flew away, everything fell apart.


It's All Temporary

Sunday, August 26, 2012

RETRIEVED by photographer Charlotte Dumas

Nearly 100 dogs worked at the World Trade Center ten years ago; only 12 are left. These are three of the surviving dogs  that are still alive but retired, they are heroes too. Their eyes say everything you need to know about them. Just amazing creatures

Moxie, Winthrop, MA

Kaiser, Indianapolis

Tara, Ipswich, MA


THESE OLD WONDERFUL FACES SAY IT ALL...




It's All Temporary

Friday, August 17, 2012

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

A short piece of fiction by yours truly




We were to meet for lunch at a place called Annabelle's, located in a small town on the coast off of Route One. It has been ten years since last we met, and the passage of time has done little to enhance my appearance. Someone once told me that women age like apples on the branch of a tree, some are round, oozing fat, others shrivel up like a prune. I am of the prune variety. Lately I have felt as if my life was in fast forward, frames whipping by, one after another. How unseemly. It is as if someone or something has been putting a heavy hand on those two little forward arrows on the remote of my life. People, places, things whiz by so quickly - one day rolls into another and then one day I  looked into a mirror. The prune stage has arrived.

     I was early.  I am always early, I bring my Kindle everywhere, along with my other electronic toys.  God forbid I should miss a text, an email, a headline informing me that there has been yet another mass shooting, another semi-automatic in the hands of some  disenchanted young man, his mind full of a diabolical  plan to wipe out an entire movie theatre. 

     The walls of Annabelle’s are lined with mirrors, the mirrors enable one to view the booth behind you. It has always been unclear to me what “objects in the mirror are closer than they appear" actually means. I do know that in my case “the object” is the prune. If I sit back will the prune go away, or if I sit closer will the prune reverse ten years? Not wanting to appear vain, I surreptitiously  checked myself out. (Who me, vain? The truth is I have been slightly in love with myself my entire life, one reason why the prune is so unwelcome.) The prune was intact. I then fished for my glasses in my over-sized tote bag that looks like a tapestry, chiding myself for spending  way too much money on that bag, turned on my Kindle, and prepared to dive into Edith Wharton.

     “Do you think you are suicidal?” I had given a cursory glance to  the couple in the booth behind me but thanks to the aforementioned mirrors, I could easily see the couple from my vantage point.  They made no effort to keep their voices down, this was voyeurism at its best. 

     Her beauty stunned me. It was hard to determine her age.  She was, however, at the zenith of her glory and she knew it. Her skin had a transparent glow without makeup, she didn’t appear to wear makeup of any kind, and yet she was the personification of a perfect Vogue model.  Thick curly black hair pulled back with a head band revealed her eyes, a soft blue, like a Siamese cat, but there was something in those eyes that frightened me. And there was something else. How could a young woman with so much charisma be so unhappy? She exuded unhappiness, it oozed from every pore.

     “No, but I have taken up cutting again,” she told her companion, as if this was a good thing.  Her companion, a young man also of indeterminate age, seemed to have a skill blessed by few. He listened.  He listened in between her rants and responded carefully.  Although there was nothing outstanding about his appearance, he was at the same time both kind and rather funny, at least he tried to interject humor into a very dicey conversation.

     “Oh, great. When in doubt, bring out those razor blades.” 

     “I think I started the cutting because I am off all my meds.  Every damn one of them.”

     “Why?”

    “Because I am sick of being the poster child for every pharmaceutical product on the market.”

“A Chloe off meds is a scary Chloe indeed,  what does your shrink say?”

“Good news and bad news.”

“Hit me with the good news first.”

“He has finally diagnosed me, I have a borderline personality disorder.”  

“And the bad news?”

“Borderlines are horrible people, Sean.”

“How could you be a horrible person. Chloe? Maybe a little sadistic from time to time, but horrible? No.”

“Yes, horrible. I read all about borderlines and we do terrible things. We are surrounded by people who love us and then we systematically pit one against the other and cause chaos. Do you realize I have  alienated just about every person in my life?”

“Well, Chloe, sleeping with your boss wasn’t very wise.”

“I know, I don’t even like him, I just did it because I could. And what is so bizarre about it is that I truly like his wife, it’s just that she is one of these perfect people that you want to strangle because of the fact that they are so damn perfect.” 

“And so the solution of this is to go off your meds?” Sean had a habit of cocking his head like a parakeet while he talked. It made him look simultaneously quizzical, interested and surprised, quite a talent. I’ll have to practice it, it may come in handy. 

“Who knows, but I have decided to grab the reins and take control of my life.”

“How, by turning yourself into a chopping block?”

“Yes. I never thought of it that way, but yes. I need to punish myself.  Even though I got the monkey off my back, the circus is still in town.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means what it means, if you don’t get it, I can’t explain it. I slice myself in front of a small picture of St. Francis.”

“Why St. Francis?”

“I love St. Francis. I love the fact that he was a naughty boy before he became a saint.  And you can’t find fault with “Lord, make me an instrument  of your peace.” It doesn’t get any better than that.”

“I don’t think St. Francis had razors in mind when he was talking about instruments.”

“Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.”

All this was going on when a vaguely familiar face walked through the door at Annabelle’s, smiling at every pretty female  over the age of sixteen. Of course. Some things never change. He walked with a limp. A limp? What’s that all about? A flood of memories, all heavily laden with emotions hit me like a ton of bricks as he slid into the booth opposite me. Damn, I thought, I really believed that I had outgrown all this teenage crush stuff. 

"Hello.'

"Well, hello."

"Well hello back."

Peter graduated from The Harvard Business School, and I matriculated at Oberlin College in Ohio with a Visual Arts degree.  One would think that one of us could use the king's English more effectively, but there we were, stuttering and stammering like two ESL students. He is not what one could call a handsome man. Bald, thick glasses, a pouch, not  a snappy dresser, but what he lacked in style, he made up for with self-assurance, and for good reason. He had one of those effulgent personalities that triggered an instant response. Whereas I tended to turn people away, Peter was always one of those laconic souls who welcomed everyone with open arms.

"I see your ads on TV all the time, that peculiar little man selling Thompson Auto Parts," I said. Peter stared at me as if I was a puzzling object on a shelf in a gift shop. 

    "Goddamned television, we have to appeal to useful idiots in order to sell anything these days." There was the feisty Peter I had loved so much ten long years ago, but ten years is a long time, and much to my chagrin I found myself wishing he would be quiet so that I could continue my voyeurism.

“Why the limp?”

“Do you really want to know?” He looked sheepish, somewhat embarrassed and for the life of me I couldn’t imagine why, but then I recalled that Peter was always full of surprises. For a conservative fellow, he definitely had an impish element to his personality.

“I shot myself in the knee.”

“You what?!” 

“You heard me, I was cleaning my gun, and it went off.  It was stupid. I know better.”

“But you’re ok now?”

“Not one hundred percent, but a lot better than I was. I really don’t want to talk it.”

“Are you still a card carrying member of the NRA?”

“Absolutely, gotta be able to defend myself. Let’s talk about you.”

“I look like a prune.”

“No you don’t, you look great.” Well, maybe  a little bit prunish”

“Prunish or prudish?”  I hoped I wasn’t snapping at him, it was never my intention to snap.

“You never used to be a prude.”

“That was before I went off my meds.”  What in the world made me say that? I don't take medication. I had the rather frightening sense that I was reciting lines from some theatre production,  I had taken up where the pair in the next booth left off. 

“What meds? Are you on medication?  You’re not sniffing glue, are you? Peter looked at me quizzically as I cocked my head like a parakeet, hoping that I looked oh so wise. Peter told me about his recuperation, his retirement, his daughters. I listened with one ear, while out of the corner of my eye I watched in the mirror which made the objects closer than they appeared. I wanted to know what happened, I wanted to know why Chloe was cutting herself, and I wanted to know if she and Sean were lovers, former lovers or just friends.  








It's All Temporary

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Guest House by Rumi




The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


It's All Temporary

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Love Hurts

A short piece of fiction by yours truly:
We sat opposite each other in a booth at Annabelle’s. The faded maroon leather on the back of Rebecca’s seat was torn, and I kept looking at the L -shaped tear as   Rebecca wolfed down her French fries. “L.” L for love. L for liar, for loser.  I began to  stutter and stammer my way through my well rehearsed tale of woe, and it was then, at that moment, that I realized that I was in way over my head.  We are taught to believe that love is the thing, the only thing worthwhile, but no one tells us how much it can hurt.

     Annabelle’s had always been “our place.” There is something kind of quirky about Annabelle’s, it’s a 50‘s style diner with all classical music on the juke box. It’s what I love about Annabelle’s, and as I came to realize, what I love about Rebecca, that juxtaposition that never fails to surprise.   Her face, framed with a mop of Brillo-textured ash blonde hair, reveals misty-blue eyes,  conveying an almost unbearable sadness at the same time her smile radiates an explicable joie de vivre, the reason known only to her. She always looks as if she knows a wonderful secret.
We both put our omnipresent cell phones on the table, an unspoken concession to unplug while in each other’s company, but neither of us turned them off. I often wonder how things would have evolved if I had simply turned my  phone off.  The finale of Tchaikovsky’s Capriccio Italian was reeving up as I cleared my throat . Rebecca, wearing some kind of a  pale gray tee shirt with angels and devils co-mingling, skinny jeans and her beloved Converse high tops,  dipped more French fries into a large mound of catchup.  Oh, those ubiquitous  high tops! I can’t look at Converse high tops any more. When I see them the pain is excruciating, and I can’t bare to listen to Capriccio Italian. I simply don’t trust myself even though it is one of my favorite pieces of music. Rebecca has robbed me of so many things, perhaps my life.
“Don’t,” she said.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t say another word, I need to listen to the music and I can’t listen if you are talking.” Once Rebecca put her mind to something she shut everything else out, and  since I qualified as part of the “everything else,” I often became superfluous, a tchotchka sitting on an obscure gift shop shelf.
Before Rebecca, my life had become a symphony of unresolved silences followed by the inevitable fortissimo, terrible fights, followed by more silences.  Some people would call it a bad soap opera, but I prefer to call it a symphony because I am a terrible snob and don’t watch programs that advertise soap. The quiet times in music, the sweet, almost unbearable quiet leading up to those thunderous horns and base drums, were all too familiar in my marriage.   Our quiet, however,  was not sweet, it was tense and awkward and unpleasant. 
My three kids picked up on it. At 8, 10 and 12, they went about their days with studied indifference to their home life at the same time noting everything.  Over scheduling kept them busy, but Kate, especially Kate, my 12 year old daughter, knew her mother was not a happy camper. How could a mother who was always attached to her cellphone, talking, whispering to one of her many girl friends as she screwed her face into hatred, remain unnoticed indefinitely? Those years when Alison balanced a toddler on one hip while stirring something with her free hand have been replaced by a balanced iphone nestled between her head and her neck. I prefer the former, all this multi-tasking is both frustrating and rude.
Something was awry and Kate picked up on it. From the day she was born, Kate had this scary “women’s intuition” going for her, she always knew what I was going to say before the words left my lips. Kate had always been Alison’s possession. The two boys she loved, Kate, she adored. Our sons, Timmie and Tommie, came along, a year apart. Timmie is my favorite. He looks like me, he thinks like me, and he worships the ground I walk on. It’s hard not to respond to adoration, and I have always believed that almost every family has a favorite child. A parent will tell you that they love all their children equally, but I don’t believe it for a minute.
My wife, Alison, knew what I was up to. She is not stupid, and she knew.  I was elsewhere so often, and there are just so many times one can lie about one’s whereabouts.  She lay down the law last night in her own inimitable style - cruel and blunt. Her iphone was nowhere in sight.
“I know you are fucking someone and it’s got to stop because if it doesn’t, I will take your children and I will take your house and I will take your precious Lexus and I will take your country club membership and I will leave you with nothing.”  To think that when I married her I thought she was refined and gentle?  She was. Alison graduated from Smith with honors, was Homecoming Queen in her local small town parade, and was considered to be a good catch: beauty and brains. Over the years the beauty has faded and hardened into an early matronly persona complete with botox and lot of hair color - blends, frosts, subtle waves of color weaving through every hair on her head, costing a bloody fortune.    She has become the perfect stereotype of the angry housewife in a Lifetime for Women movie, one of those women who speak through clenched teeth. It is my contention that in a woman, a jaw like a steel trap coupled with clenched teeth are a dead give away. Trouble on the home front.  It’s not entirely Alison’s fault, but what I have come to hate about her is her stubbornness. Alison has to be right. Always. Nothing is ever her fault.
The Germans have a custom called luften. No matter how cold the winter, they open up every window in the house each day and ventilate .  Our home could use a good luften, stale air permeates. My home, my castle, feels as if it is rotting from musty air. I often find myself choking, especially when my iwife is on one of her perpetual venting sessions on that damn little phone. It never ends, and her shopping addiction isn’t helping. Although she isn’t a hoarder in the true sense of the word, she is getting close. There are piles and bags full of God only knows what in every corner, the tags remaining on most items in the bags.
Rebecca, on the other hand, is the only person I have ever known who has no filter. Incapable of guile, she always says exactly what is on her mind. As I told her about Alison’s rant, she said, “Well, it was only a matter of time.” 
“Matter of time?”
“We both knew this could not continue indefinitely.”
“I had hoped we could continue,” I said lamely. My phone began vibrating, humming incessantly. I glanced at it. Alison’s name appeared on the screen.  She will have to wait I thought as I moved the phone away. I knew Rebecca was right, but I had not realized how miserably unhappy I had been until the prospect of a life without Rebecca took over all the blank spaces in my mind turning everything gray. My thoughts frightened me, and for a period of time, I don’t know how long, I was incapable of speaking. It was as if I was semi-conscious, heavily medicated. What disturbed me, what I found the most hurtful, was the fact that Rebecca seemed so nonchalant. I had expected another reaction. I had expected more from her.
“Affairs never end well,” Rebecca said after what seemed like an eternity. My phone started humming again, the vibration causing it to almost dance on the table. For some reason I greatly feared picking it up because I had a foreboding that no matter what the horror was that I was going through, things were about to get worse and I didn’t feel able to deal with more. 
“I somehow thought you and I were a cut above your average every day affair. We are made of finer stuff,” I said without looking at her. The salt and pepper became my solitary focus, I stared at them as if my life depended on it.
“We are who we are, no better nor worse than millions of others out there.”
“I don’t believe that for a second, and neither do you,” I said, picking up the salt and then laying it down on the other side of the pepper shaker.  The salt shaker was a woman in a long dress and the pepper a farmer, and when you put them together, they hugged each other. I placed them back to back, there was to be no hugging in this conversation. Once more my phone began it’s solitary shimmy across the table. I glanced at it again, this time it was my next door neighbor’s number on the screen.
“Shit, why can’t people leave me alone,” I said half to myself, half to Rebecca as I put the phone to my ear.
“Yes, hello.”
“Randy, this is Paul from next door. You need to come home, there has been an accident.”
“An accident?  What kind of an accident? Who?”
“It’s Timmie. He was hit by a car.  He’s gone, Randy, he died  half  an hour ago.”
* * * 
Two years have passed since we lost Timmie, two years since my former life ended and my new life began. Two joyless years. Most days have been spent putting one foot in front of the other while attempting to drown the waves of pain that continue to come to the surface when I least expect them. Some days I cry, most days I am dry eyed. Alison and I are still together, we can’t live with each other and we can’t live without each other, although neither of us know how to comfort the horrible pain we feel, both in ourselves and in each other. She is still attached to her iphone, I have taken up running. All the things that were so important to me in my former life are no longer important, what I never noticed is now paramount. Life goes on.
I have not seen Rebecca since that day at Annabelle’s, but much to my surprise I recently received a letter from her, hand-written and sent to my office:

Dear Randy:
Although we have not spoken to each other since that terrible day at Annabelle’s, not a day has gone by when I have not thought of you.  Timmie's death affected me deeply in spite of the fact that I had never met him. The fact that I could not comfort you in what must have been unbearable grief  was torturous for me, but we had to play with the cards with which we were dealt. 

Those cards were cruel. Our plan to carry on as lovers was chimerical at best, but the stars collided all at once, taking the two things you held most dear in one awful day, and for that to happen to someone like you is unfair. I am sure platitudes don't help, people are at a loss for words. "I feel your pain?" No, you don't. "Time heals all wounds?" Hardly. Not all wounds, some wounds are just too deep. The only thing I can suggest (although I realize I am in no position to give advice) is to seek out other parents who have lost a child because they are the only ones who know how you suffer, and in their company, you may be able to comfort each other.

I love you very much. I will always love you. 
Rebecca


It's All Temporary

Friday, August 3, 2012

Book Beauty by Rumi



BOOK BEAUTY by Rumi (transl. Coleman Barks)

Here’s the end of that story about the old woman who wanted
to lure a man with strange



cosmetics. She made a paste of pages from the Qu’ran to fill
the deep creases on her face and



neck with. This is not about an old woman, dear reader. It’s
about you, or anyone who tries



to use books to make themselves attractive. There she is,
sticking scripture, thick with



saliva, on her face. Of course, the bits keep falling off.
“The devil,” she yells, and



he appears! “This is a trick I’ve never seen. You don’t need
me. You are yourself a troop



of demons!” So people steal inspired words to get compliments.
Don’t bother. Death comes



and all talking, stolen or not, stops. Pity anyone unfamiliar
with silence when that happens.



Polish your heart with meditation and quietness. Let the inner
life grow generous and handsome



like Joseph. Zuleikha did that and her “old woman’s spring
cold snap” turned to mid-July. Dry



lips wet from within. Ink is not rouge. Let language lie
bygone. Now is where love breathes.



It's All Temporary